I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
