There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
