you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize