im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
