my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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