I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
