In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
