Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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