my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
