I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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