Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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