I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
