a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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