If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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