Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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