Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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