I must be too annoying 4 u.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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