I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
