that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Is it because I queefed?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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