Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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