Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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