This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
