She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
