chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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