Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
How external is "for external use only"?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
