I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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