It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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