Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
