i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
