haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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