please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
