I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there was a trapeze. enough said
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
