Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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