You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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