He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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