Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
