dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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