she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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