Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
