so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
