as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
