Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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