Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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