Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
