Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Come on in and take your pants off
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
