K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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