All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
