I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
