some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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