I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize