Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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