I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
