Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
