it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize