did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
