I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am spending my child support on dildos
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
