About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
