Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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