You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
