does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
