Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
