so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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