She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
